It was ten years ago this summer that I first had that feeling. That feeling of clarity, as if an Almighty Hand had pulled back the veil to allow me a glimpse of my future.
It was one year ago today that I was to take the first step toward that future I had seen ten summers ago. A future that, some days, feels even further away now then it did at the tender age of 16.
I was finally finding peace with being single and childless. While it was not the future I had seen and for which I had longed, it seemed to be the future I now faced. And for a moment, that was okay.
I began to envision my entire future that way. I would get my Master’s and then go on to get my PhD. I would spend my life doing research, writing books, speaking and traveling the world, changing lives and touching hearts with my insight to the human spirit and psyche.
My life would be full, and I would want for nothing.
But right now, when I look to that future … I ache.
I ache for companionship. I ache for someone to call my own, someone who will call me his own. I ache for his arms wrapped around me, filled with a love like no other. I ache for that one man with whom I can share the magic, mystic, and mundane of everyday life.
I ache for the sound of little feet running down the hallway, accompanied by peals of laughter. I ache for those late nights, walking like a whisper to their bedroom doors and peaking through the darkness to catch a glimpse of of their breathing as fantastical dreamscapes dance behind their eyelids. I ache for little hands entwined in mine that fill my heart with a bigger love than I ever imagined possible.
Today, my heart aches like I never knew it could.
…but tomorrow is another day.