Ache.

It was ten years ago this summer that I first had that feeling.  That feeling of clarity, as if an Almighty Hand had pulled back the veil to allow me a glimpse of my future.

It was one year ago today that I was to take the first step toward that future I had seen ten summers ago.  A future that, some days, feels even further away now then it did at the tender age of 16.

~~~

I was finally finding peace with being single and childless.  While it was not the future I had seen and for which I had longed, it seemed to be the future I now faced.  And for a moment, that was okay.

I began to envision my entire future that way.  I would get my Master’s and then go on to get my PhD.  I would spend my life doing research, writing books, speaking and traveling the world, changing lives and touching hearts with my insight to the human spirit and psyche.

My life would be full, and I would want for nothing.

But right now, when I look to that future … I ache.

I ache for companionship.  I ache for someone to call my own, someone who will call me his own.  I ache for his arms wrapped around me, filled with a love like no other.  I ache for that one man with whom I can share the magic, mystic, and mundane of everyday life.

I ache for the sound of little feet running down the hallway, accompanied by peals of laughter.  I ache for those late nights, walking like a whisper to their bedroom doors and peaking through the darkness to catch a glimpse of of their breathing as fantastical dreamscapes dance behind their eyelids.  I ache for little hands entwined in mine that fill my heart with a bigger love than I ever imagined possible.

Today, my heart aches like I never knew it could.

…but tomorrow is another day.

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9 thoughts on “Ache.

  1. I had some time to consider this, being on the road and able to read but not comment, and it is uncanny how much you’re speaking to my state of mind right now. Five years into a job with tenure and a career looming, it’s like seeing through a telescope and seeing myself at retirement: professionally successful, maybe even published, but alone and with nothing but words to leave behind.

    But like you, I yearn for those hands in mine—the strong confident hand of a spouse and equal and friend, the tiny but curious hand of a child. And there’s none of that through the ground crystal eyepiece of that spyglass. It’s enough to make one weep and wail and gnash between the cubicle walls.

    It may not be exactly the same—the biological clocks are different, and I always wanted biological kids while I know you’re keen to adopt. But the ache is very real and very similar, and difficult for anyone who hasn’t felt its keen to comprehend. You’re right that there’s hope in tomorrow, over the horizon and in the unknown, but I’m sure you’ve occasionally felt like that hope is nothing more than a sedative to ease the passing of days into oblivion.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is “thank you for this.” It touched me deep in a way that some days it feels like the world has lost the power to do :)

    • “…with nothing but words to leave behind.”
      “…nothing more than a sedative to ease the passing of days into oblivion.”
      Yes, and yes. Alex, thank you for your comment. It feels odd to say that I love hearing others share my sentiments…almost as if I am rejoicing in their pain and misfortune as well, when it really just seems to prove that misery does indeed love company. Or at least that empathy is a far better salve than sympathy.
      Thank you for your words, continued encouragement (I honestly don’t think I would have finished writing or posted this had it not been for your tweet), and friendship. :)

      • Misery loves company, because that company may be the only ones that can truly empathize! Miserable or not, your thoughts have a strong and poetic voice, and I’ll be sure to encourage/bug you to keep sharing them with the world. And I’m always around if you need to talk out this sort of thing some more :)

  2. Awe… Honey, We are young and beautiful and smart women!!! Although I can’t complain about the lack of the pitter patter of little feet, I know what you mean about companionship…. Here’s what Ive realized since I have ended up with everything I was afraid of…. He’s out there somewhere. Probably stuck in a tree or something. Maybe he’s polishing his tin foil armor. But here’s some great advice I got from a psychic. Yes, a psychic at the fair. “Focus on your goals and dreams as far as school and your career go. Focus on the things you love to do. The love will come.” I think she is right. Keep your head up pretty girl!!!! God is saving someone as wonderful and special as you for somebody just as amazing.

    • Thanks, Liz! I appreciate you passing along this psychic’s advice. What she says is true! While I don’t think it is healthy to totally ignore how you are feeling or pretend those feelings aren’t there, we can’t wallow in pits of self-pity either. Both of us have lives FILLED with wonderful things, so we shouldn’t let the less-than-wonderful get us down. :)

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